As I write this now, I am realizing that perhaps I have struggled with my identity my entire life. The first place that I can pinpoint these struggles occurred in the transition from middle school to high school. At first, everything I knew around me that was familiar and comfortable was changing. My friend groups shifted, my interests had changed, my classes were harder and I felt like I was in a sea of people just trying to blend in. Nearly everything I thought I knew was going through a dramatic change, and this included my body and what I thought was true about it.
I felt like I didn’t fit in anymore – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. So, I took that out on myself. I blamed myself. I thought I wasn’t enough. It was a result of a lot of loneliness but also this intense desire to be liked and wanted. I mean, what freshman in high school doesn’t just want to fit in and be liked?
I didn’t really understand what it meant to love myself and I certainly didn’t understand that making myself smaller was not the key to fitting in. It actually ended up being the thing that made me feel like I stood out. I felt like everybody knew about my issues and as a result in my mind I was identified as the girl with an eating disorder.
I was in the darkest hole that I had ever been in my life. My mom refers to it as the dark ages. I was so depressed and I didn’t know if there was a way out. I thought that who I was and what I did didn’t matter so who cared if I made myself throw up? Who cared if I wanted to die?
It pains me now to look back on that period of my life, however I know that without it, I would not be on the path that I am now. It might feel strange to say that I am grateful for something like that, but I learned resilience at a young age. The most beautiful part of that trauma to me is that I know fully well that Jesus Christ is my savior who healed me. I fought that battle for three years and well into my college days, and I know that He was right there fighting with me.
My eating disorder was only the first storm from which I needed saving. Enter the college days and yet another identity crisis. I wanted to be the “good girl” because by nature that was who I was. I have had a guilty conscience for as long as I can remember. I like structure and order and rules. All of that made it really hard for me to try to embody this “party girl” that I for some reason was trying to be. Honestly, I hate the taste of alcohol so it is funny to me how much I was willing to choke it down just to try to fit in with that crowd.
They say that college is where you find who you are. I identified as an RA, a biology major, a scientist, a hard working student who loved spending time with friends and occasionally would go out for a night of fun. I never in my life imagined I would identify as a sexual assault survivor. I never thought that I, the girl with a guilty conscience and structure, would be labeled and identified as so much more than that.
I identified as the girl who was raped. As the girl who should have probably taken a semester off because she was taking on too much to numb the pain. I lost myself more deeply than I could have ever imagined. I thought that I was broken, unworthy, unloveable and I was ashamed of everything that I had gone through. I was surrounded by a support system and people who loved and cared about me but it was the most isolated and alone that I had ever felt in my life.
Luckily again, I know that I wasn’t alone. Did the support I received help me? Sure thing. Did I need professional psychological support again? Absolutely. And as great as that may have been I know there was only one thing that saved me from myself yet again. Jesus was there in ALL of my pain. Those nights at two in the morning when I was crying myself to sleep or on the floor crying out because I hated myself and blamed myself, Jesus picked me up and held me close. He cried with me. He healed me slowly day by day. I have learned that healing is not linear. Jesus heals us in cycles because we cannot handle it all at once. So if you are somewhere in your own journey of healing – know that He is with you and you will rise again.
Something that I have learned is that this process never really ends. When I moved to North Carolina from Pennsylvania, it became very clear to me that Jesus is calling out for me daily and it is up to me to listen and respond. The quality of our lives though is determined by how we react to what we go through. I have faced more heartbreak and moments that were meant to break me down to old habits again in my time since living here and each time they exist it is a chance to learn all over again how to depend on Christ and recognize when He is carrying you through a storm.
Each day that unfolds is a new opportunity to return to Him. To rest in Him. To know that He is with you and that He is for you. The beauty of inviting God into your health and wellness journey is that you can relinquish control that wasn’t even yours to begin with. He’s got you. Each day we have to choose to allow Him into this process and be open to the transformation that is occurring.
For too long I lived in those stories as if they were my reality. For too long I told myself that my eating disorder would always be a part of me. For too long I told myself that I was damaged goods because I was raped. For too long I let other people define my self-worth. For too long I told myself that self love didn’t exist. For too long I told myself all of those lies.
You were not created to live in fear. You were not created to hate yourself or to be at war with your body. You were created to love and be loved. You were created for more. Trauma and pain are inevitable, sure, but Jesus is constant. He is not afraid of the things you have gone through. In fact, He is much bigger than all of those things combined.
I am no longer that girl who has an eating disorder. I am no longer that girl who was raped. I am no longer that girl who doesn’t love herself. In each trauma, Jesus is redemption. Jesus provides healing and restoration. Understand that it might not be on your timeline. It might not happen overnight or as quickly or as effortlessly as you imagined. But you will be set free. Your identity is not in your trauma. It is in Jesus Christ your savior and redeemer. Your provider and protector. You are a daughter of the King. You are a child of God and nothing that you are going through is a shock to Him. He knows your heart.
He wrote your story.
Do you trust Him with your identity?