Since I was a teenager, I have been confused about the conversation, or lack there of, surrounding sex. I don’t know about you, but I was taught at a young age that it was wrong, that I wasn’t allowed until I was married, and only then it was permissible. Within that same purity narrative, I was taught that sex was dirty. All the while, I was never getting any actual education about sex itself and the why behind the wait.
When my friends started having sex, I silently judged them. I believed that sex was sin and that this meant they did something bad. I hurt for them, because I thought this would ruin their life. I wasn’t judging because I didn’t love them, but rather due to a lack of knowledge about what it really means to engage in a sexual relationship.
From a young age, the guilt and shame complex began to form. When I was raped in college, I felt dirty. I felt like no man could ever love me or want me because of what I had experienced. Because I learned at a young age that my worth was associated with my virginity status.
Never mind the fact that I had no idea how to actually have sex. Yes, it’s true, sex is a learned skill. You don’t get married and then all of a sudden have these amazing sexual super powers. So, where in the world are we getting this information?
A vast majority might say porn. If that is the case for you, please know that porn sets you up for unrealistic expectations about what a healthy sexual relationship should look and feel like. Others may say their knowledge came from school, or parents, or the church, or maybe even friends, but where do all of them get their knowledge? And what exactly is the message that goes along with that information? It could be a positive or negative connotation, and either way it is going to impact and shape the narrative that your develop surrounding sex.
In order to develop a healthy sexual ethic, you have to be educated. Gaining knowledge about the actual anatomy and physiology, about what the Bible says about sex, about how healthy relationships can get to the point of sex, about consent, about so much more than just “you have to wait till marriage.” A healthy sexual ethic begins with knowledge. Knowledge is power. It is more powerful than fear tactics that teach women that they are dirty or unworthy due to losing their virginity.
Speaking of virginity, that label is dated and tired. It is one that exists to confine women and put their sexuality in a box. The concept of a virgin indicates that unless you are pure, you are tainted or damaged goods. Or at least that is what I thought for a long time. Since reconstructing my own sexual narrative, I have decided that “losing your virginity” makes it sound as if it was something to be lost or taken away from you. What if instead you consider it your sexual debut? How much more empowering does that sound? Because your sexual desire should be empowering, so why would you ever label it with words that take the power away from you?
Your sexuality and desire is not wrong. It is a gift from God. It is time we start acting like it. It is time that we stop shying away from educating young women about how their body was designed to work. It is time to say the words clitoris and vagina, because calling it your private parts or no-no square just doesn’t cut it anymore. In order to put a stop to sexual shaming, we have to do a better job at empowering women to be in control of their bodies.
Being sexually empowered is not the same thing as being sexually promiscuous, sleeping around, or having premarital sex. Sexual empowerment means that young women know their worth, respect their bodies, and have a strong sexual ethic with which they can make educated, informed consensual decisions about what they do or do not do with a partner.
Sexual empowerment means that you take ownership of your sexuality. Sexual empowerment allows you to make your own educated and informed choices. Sexual empowerment teaches you to respect your bodies needs and desires. Sexual empowerment is not a sin. It is liberating and freeing. It helps women to feel greater love and admiration for themselves and their bodies.
It is time to put an end to sexual shaming, in any capacity and form. That starts with proper education and a deeper understanding of what it means to be sexual beings. Ending sexual shame also means ending body shame, and so much more. There is work to be done, and this is only the beginning. It starts with conversation. Not shying away from the “taboo topics” and making them part of a healthy, continual dialogue. No matter where you are at in your stage of life, it is never too late to create a new, better informed sexual narrative. It is never too late to redefine and embrace sexual empowerment.
Real deep stuff Kels, halfway through reading when saying clirotis and vagina, I found myself for a split sec thinking, “oh, those are ‘naughty’ words”. Which goes to show how deep the problem has been ingrained in, not only myself but our society and culture. These are parts of the body, scientific anatomy. Why isn’t our first instinct or reflex to think of the vagina and clitoris as just that, “parts of the body”, instead of automatically defaulting, to subjecting it to “private parts” its time to return to the old normalcy. Very thought provoking stuff Kels. Love this!